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Steven Wright Quotes:
- I saw this guy hitchhiking with a sign that said "Heaven." So I hit him.
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
- Okay, so what's the speed of dark?
- I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked, "Do you have any firearms with you?" I said: "What do you need?'
- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism -- to steal from many is research.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
- I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
- In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." and then they told me "Nobody's perfect." so then I stopped practicing.
- All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
- I saw this guy hitchhiking with a sign that said "Heaven." So I hit him.
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
- Okay, so what's the speed of dark?
- I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked, "Do you have any firearms with you?" I said: "What do you need?'
- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism -- to steal from many is research.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
- I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
- In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." and then they told me "Nobody's perfect." so then I stopped practicing.
- All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
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