Judge Judy

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You are about to enter the courtroom of Judge Judith Sheindlin. The people are real… the cases are real… the rulings are final. And she could totally kick your ass if she wanted to. JUDY CHOP !

“You, sir, are a low-life, amoral piece of crap!”

Plaintiff: “He signed me a promissory note…” Judy: “I don’t care if he signed you the Declaration of Independence!”

“I don’t believe you!”

“I don’t care what you think! I’m the one who has to determine what is fair.”

“And you ought to be ashamed of yourself!”

“That must be the S.O.D.D.I. principle: Some Other Dude Done It.”

“If you live to be a hundred, you will never be as smart as me. On your BEST day, you’re not as smart as I am on my WORST day.”

“Yeah, right, and I was born in 1965.”

“Have you ever heard of the K.I.S.S. principle? ‘Keep It Simple, Stupid’.”

“This is not ‘Let’s Make a Deal’, and I’m not Monty Hall!”

“When you mess around with jail-bait, you accept the consequences!”

“I’m here because I’m smart, not because I’m young and gorgeous…although I am!”

“This is my courtroom and I can say what I want. When you become a judge, we will talk.”

“Do you feel as if you’re getting whipped? ...You sure are!”

“You spent $72 getting your hair done? You wasted your money!”

“Two people can’t talk at the same time. When my mouth is moving, it means that you need to be quiet.”

“Do you know when a gift becomes a loan? When the relationship is over. Have you ever heard that, sir? Well, neither have I. I just made it up. I’m going to put it on coffee mugs.”

“Sir, the table didn’t have three beers and then get up and move!”

“Of course I’m right; I’m always right. I’m like a truth machine.”

“I got an A for Torts in Law School.”

“Did you forget you were coming to coming to court today?”

“This is your aggravation. Not his. He doesn’t want your aggravation. Byrd doesn’t want your aggravation… [to the bailiff] Do you, Byrd?

“I think you ought to be quiet. You know, they don’t need anybody stirring up the pot. You’re a pot-stirrer.”

“I’m the boss, Applesauce.”

“I have 3 sons, so I know you are no gift! You’re not even good looking!”

“This birthday is going to be more expensive than you thought!”

“That’s going to be the most expensive curse word you ever said!”

“Did you just curse at him? Get out!”

Judy: [to the defendant who denies owing the plaintiff any money] “Let me explain something to you, my husband once offended me on July 6th 1978. I can tell you exactly where I was sitting, and what he was eating. Most people have a memory of important dates and times. Now if somebody, gave me/loaned to me $5000 I would remember some of the circumstances surrounding it – because you, sir seem to have a very, very good memory of everything you did – calling the bank, calling the title company, getting the checks, sitting down and going over everything – the only thing you don’t have a memory of is, ‘Can I borrow $5000?’ Judgment to the plaintiff for the amount of $5000 – thank you.”

“I think something’s wrong.”

“You get it?!”

“Stop getting hysterical.”

“Never combine business with pleasure; that’s not good business. Got what I mean?”

“Are you on any medication?”

“Get over it!”

Judy: “What do you do for a living, Sir?” Defendant: Um… Judy: ”’Um’ is not an answer! What kind of training did you need to do ‘Um’?”

“So far this case is going in your favor, madam; does it look like I need any help?... THEN SHUT UP !”

Judy: “Who are you?” Witness: “I’m here for pain and suffering.” Judy: “Yours or mine?”

“Just a second!”

“Is the word stupid written across my forehead?”

“I’m speaking. When my mouth moves, yours stops.”

“Beauty fades. Dumb is forever.”

“Baloney!”

“When you can’t look at me in the eye and tell me the story, that means you’re lying.”

“Don’t spit on my cupcake and tell me it’s frosting.”

“Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining.”

“You have to speak slowly and PROJECT what you are saying!”

[Judy is tearing up some love letters the Defendant received] Defendant: “Can I suggest something Ma’am?” Judy: [looks up from tearing the letters] “Shhh!” [continues tearing them up]

“How old are you?”

“Goodbye, have a happy life!”

“Personally, I don’t find you as attractive as she did, so I suggest you shut up!”

“Do you come from a long line of idiots?”

[pointing to two feuding exes] “This genius picked this genius!”

“What school of double-talk did you go to?”