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Funny Jokes

Created by MastaKink. Last Edited by MastaKink. Tagged as: Humor
Funny Jokes

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Having a sense of humor (or pretending to) is a great way to break the ice with strangers, get on your boss' good side, or get the attention of a member of the opposite sex.

Be my guest, add a joke or two...

 

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MastaKink
MastaKink posted over 5 years ago

Two guys are walking down a dark alley when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then, one guy turns to the other, hands him a bill, and says, "Hey, here's that $20 I owe you."

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Tribble posted over 5 years ago
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Sweet Pip
Sweet Pip posted over 5 years ago
Ben recall his first time with a condom, he was 16 or so. he went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that he was new at it.
She handed him the package and asked if he knew how to wear one.
He honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned him to make sure it was on tight and secure. He still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking his hand, she led him into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.
Well, he was so dumb-struck that all he could do was nod his head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As he was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.' So he climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, he could no longer hold back and KAPOW, he was done within a few minutes. put that condom on?' she asked.
He said, 'I sure did,' and held up his thumb to show her.
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Tribble posted over 5 years ago
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Sweet Pip
Sweet Pip posted over 5 years ago
Ha ha love the panda
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'
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smexybilly69
smexybilly69 posted over 5 years ago
**An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years.
Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."

(the wife hissed, spitting out her gag), "Dear," "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!"** hehehehkkk <= )

 

 

 

MastaKink
MastaKink posted over 5 years ago
Yesterday I was at Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow and was in the checkout line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? On impulse I told her no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.  The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.
MastaKink
MastaKink posted over 5 years ago

How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity:
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Marijuana'.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7 Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify Repeatedly That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.  
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'  
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.' And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

Hyena Valentina
Hyena Valentina posted over 4 years ago

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'

The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'

'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it, and I have the best chance of doing that here.'

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass, and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office, and sees the blonde crying hysterically. 'What's so bad now? Are you going to be okay?' he asks.

'No,' exclaims the blonde, 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'

Hyena Valentina
Hyena Valentina posted over 4 years ago

There's a blonde driving along the highway, and all the sudden she starts swerving from side to side on the road. A cop pulls her over, and says "Maam, you were swerving from side to side on the road. Have you been drinking?" The blonde says "No, officer. But i saw a tree in front of me, and i swerved to get out of the way. Then i saw another tree, right where i swerved. So i swerved the opposite direction. But then there was another tree! Good thing i stopped, or i would've eventually hit one." The cop says "Maam, that's your air freshener."

Hyena Valentina
Hyena Valentina posted over 4 years ago

Things to do on an Elevator

1) Crack open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask “Got enough air in there?”

2) Stand silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.

3) When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you’re embarrassed when they open themselves.

4) Greet everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.

5) Meow occasionally.

6) Stare at another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: “You’re one of THEM” - and back away slowly

7) Say DING at each floor.

8) Say “I wonder what all these do?” And push all the red buttons.

9) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

10) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: “I have new socks on.”

11) When the elevator is silent, look around and ask: “Is that your beeper?”

12) Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.

13) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: “This is my personal space.”

14) When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn’t you.

15) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

16) Ask if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.

17) Hold the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say “Hi Greg, How’s your day been?”

18) Drop a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: “That’s mine!”

19) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.

20) Pretend you’re a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.

21) Swat at flies that don’t exist.

22) Call out “Group hug” then enforce it.

Devillicious
Devillicious posted over 4 years ago
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Devillicious
Devillicious posted over 4 years ago

lol Hyena Valentina, that's a good joke. I'd love to do most of the things on that list :D It'd be funny to see everyone's reactions. ^^

MastaKink
MastaKink posted over 4 years ago

A man goes to see a personal trainer who specializes in stretching.
The trainer asks him “How flexible are you?”
The man says “I can’t do Wednesdays.”

MastaKink
MastaKink posted over 4 years ago

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

MastaKink
MastaKink posted over 4 years ago
A beautiful blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?'

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?
'

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage
. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'

He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it
?'
The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.
'

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money
.

'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked
.

'Yes', the blonde replied, 'and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.
'

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten-dollar tip
.

'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'